I’m Not an Angel Nor am I a Demon

I’m not an Angel nor am I a Demon,
Daughter of both.
My mother and Angel and my father a Demon,
The are both different,
But yet they both fell in love and created me.
Now I stand here,
Wondering who I am,

Am I an Angel?
Am I a demon?
Or am I just trying to be human?
I am neither but I am all.

My birth is a curse,
My birth was not meant to be,
For a child created from two,
Who where both to hate,
To hate each other…
They found love and made me.

I am an Angel’s and Demon’s creation,
A smudge for Heaven and Hell,
Yet both places fight to keep me,
A rare beauty,
A weapon against each other.

I wasn’t meant to be loved,
Yet why do I receive it?
Why do I have so much to give?
I am just a mistake to this world, right?


A Demon and Angel’s child…
That’s what I am... 
And that what I will stay,
Until...I can find a place of my own,

A place that will love me for me,
Not from what I am,
But from my heart and soul.
This cursed creature I call myself,
Will one day find A place,
A place to call home…

For I am not Angel nor a Demon...

Not A Perfect Family

I don’t come from a perfect family,
It’s not an average family,
It likes to play the role of a happy family,
but I know,
We know know better.
We never been happy,
I never been happy.
I never smiled truly in my family,
Especially to my parents.
I only tried to smile to siblings.

I play the role of the older sister.
I know my role and I do it accordingly,
But I can never pull it off right.
When the parents are the critiques.


When they tell you, 
“You are no good,”
“No one one would love you for your looks,”
“You will never make it in life,”
“You can’t do anything right,”
“Why aren’t you a normal child?
“Why must you be an embarrassment.”
“Can’t you pretend to be the child I wanted?”


I can never be perfect,
I can never be good.
I am a puppet and they are the puppeteer.
Moving me with their stings. 

In my family no is happy,
My mother is scared of my father,
Yet refuses to leave him,
For she loves him dearly,

My father is an cranky old man,
He’s disappointed in everything we do,
Mostly me.
I could never be the son he wanted,
Even though he already has two.

He hurts and abuses us,
Breaks us also.
But we stand up again,
Not to worry others.

My siblings and I were raised to believe this was okay,
And even though he doesn’t hurt us like before,
It still hurts when he breaks our spirit.

Running away,
Hiding,
And refusing to enter our house is he is there is a normal thing,
Mostly to me.

Daughter of the Sun and the Moon.

Child of the night,

Daughter of the day,

Hair as dark as the night,

Eyes as bright as the stars,

Skin golden brown,

Body soft and warm to the touch,

Voice soft and calming yet loud and filled with emotion.

 Heart full of love,

Selfless yet selfish,

Afraid but bold,

Scared but courageous,

Happy but broken,

Surrounded by many but yet alone,

 Spending her life in a dream

Not afraid to love but scared to be rejected

Hurt so much but still able to stand,

Smiles without a worry to keep others strong,

Caring nature by heart.

 A child with too much love in her heart,

Not afraid to give it to others,

For a she asks is for it to be return equally,

Not to be hurt nor abuse,

 Crys so sweet yet painful,

Lips soft and small,

Pure yet sinful to the touch

Touch so delicate and tempting.

But prefers to stay in a dream.

 Like a Sleeping Beauty.

Dreaming for days,

Dreaming of a better life of her own,

Sweet dreams are a bliss

Yet fell for those beautiful nightmares,

Dark but sweet.

While her sweet dreams tempt her with a better place.

 Dreaming with a smile as she sleeps,

Daughter of the Sun and the Moon.

A traveler of dreams,

Hoping to become the keeper of dreams.

My Mother and Father and My New Ones

My mother is an Angel and my father is a Demon, two opposite yet one thing in common...love.  
Love is the thing that has brought them together and the thing that has caused them pain, mostly my mother. She plays the role of a wife and mother, and in my time I've seen her happy and sad, I've also seen her try to return back to Heaven. My father plays the role of a husband and father, I've seen him happy and angry, I've also seen him as a terrifying creature. They are both so opposite they make me wonder what I am, what me and my brothers are. I am neither an Angel nor a Demon. 
I'm too sinful to be an Angel and caring to be a Demon. I am a creature made from an Angel and a Demon. Marked with their crimes, cursed to live a life of pain and misery for their sins. Casted out of Heaven before even getting a chance, banished from Hell for being innocent of the crimes others accuse me of. The only place for me is limbo; the land of the forgotten, Ah yes, that is my home for I am just more lost soul in this world. No place to go after life, just to stay here where no one will care if I'm still here or not.
My wings are broken; they've been removed from my body and casted away to the moon, from the ones who call themselves my Parents. The Moon is my only companion, it gives me comfort when no other can, it calms my fears, fills my dreams with a sweet bliss, when nothing else can. 
I’m a one of the children marked by Lilith. Lilith who was Adam’s first wife banish from Eden for wanting to be independent and more of herself after she took a bite from the forbidden fruit, after Lucifer convinced her to try it. She’s strong and independent, but that caused her much pain. Pain of never being a mother, never having her own bliss; to have a place of her own. All she can do if take in poor souls who need a mother, someone to love them; like me.
The mother of all demons became my new mother, while my real one only caused me pain. In my heart and mind I have no mother but Lilith says otherwise. For my pain and misery has called her and she will take the role as my mother, if I want it or not because deep inside I want a mother. A mother to love me the way I always wanted...without pain or misery, with love and compassion.
My father, he’s more of a demon in my eyes, giving pain endless pain in the place I call home. I dream of a father who can raise me as their princess or prince. And with that, not knowing my new father became the King of Hell. Misery and pain that is his home, and that is now mine. It doesn't hurt me nor scare me, for this is a blissful pain. His home shall be mine, as he caused pain and misery to the wicked and damn. I lay in the crimson bed in a dark room, that beats with my heart and soul. He keeps me safe and secure while his wife and my mother, Lilith sings to me. She sings to me songs from her heart, as she caresses my cheek, watching me with the love she could not give.
In this dark room covered in crimson silks and large windows over my head and the side of my room, letting me have the warm of the moon with me. For the only things I asked them was to keep the moon, to keep it by my side and the gladly agree.
I am their child, their princess if I please to call myself that...

Time

Time. Time is moving. Time won’t stop. Time won’t change. It’s never ending. All you can do is run, Time won’t stop, Not for you or me. You can’t cheat or change it, It will go on, even if you don’t want it, Time won’t go back, Only you. Time. It has no feeling or care, It does it’s job, It plays it’s role, Day by day, Night and day, Nothing will stop it. Not even you or me, You can’t change it or fix it. That’s not your role, It’s not your part. Nor is it mine.

I'm Not Okay

I wanted to try and draw today,
But I’m tired and distracted,
I cried the whole evening not why or caring,
My heart might have been heavy,
I might have just snapped,
All I know is that I cried and that I’m not okay,
I’m not okay.

Everything feels like it’s attacking me.
My parents,
My sibling,
My imagination,
Myself,
I feel so lost and confused being myself,
And in my body.

I want to sleep and disappear
Just for tonight…
I want to escape all of this.
I don’t think I can even breath and say that I’m fine.
I just want to escape everything.

I don’t even know how to talk to anyone because I feel like this…
I might need to cry more,
But I know that I won’t hurt myself.
I’m to strong for that.

Our past

I stay up at nights and wonder,

Is it love? Or is it just puppy love?

Those two questions play in my head over and over,

Until I find a way to sleep,

I complicate myself with those words,

Mostly out of worry,

That this might just be for now,

But I beg for it to be forever.

But yet I remember our past.

I have loved your for eight years strong,

From the first day I met you.

Though you belong to another that time,

I didn’t care because I hid my feeling for you all those years,

I’ve watched you get hurt by your past lovers,

And I could never understand why I felt so hurt,

I wasn’t them nor you,

But my heart would always ache seeing so hurt,

I would go to you and comfort you,

But at times you would say,

“You’re still a child to know this pain...”

Those worlds would hurt me more,

But I would never show you it,

I would cry out in my room alone,

Hurt and broken from those words,

Yes I’m a child but a child who’s in love,

My life was complicated and you knew,

Others knew,

But no one knew about my feeling for you,

How everyday they got worse, stronger, and painful.

My one sided love got too painful that one day I just had enough,

I ran and hid from you and everyone,

I didn’t want to deal with it and in that time my feelings decreased,

And I was getting to accept it and like you just as friends.

And that’s how we stayed for the past two and a half years.

Then one day, after a drunken chat with our friends,

We all told each of our stupid little secrets,

And I not knowing told everyone of the old feeling I had…

I had for you.

It would have been embarrassing but the alcohol kept me brave,

Keeping me from having second thoughts,

Giving me courage to finally lift my painful burden,

Yet once I said those words it was too late,

I expose my feelings,

Just a little but not a lot.

But you were going to marry another,

And I didn't know how to express myself anymore to you,

All I wanted to do was cry right there

But instead I just got up and left saying nothing,

All remembered from that night was running in the rain,

Running far away from you,

Running from my pain until my legs couldn't take it anymore,

The rain covered my tears but not my heart.

And yet again I hid from everyone,

I wanted to be alone,

I wanted to cry for all those days and I did,

Until my friends began to notice,

They'll ask me if I was okay and I would lie that I was fine,

Just tired or depression was been too strong,

But I knew better,

For the first time in my life I knew my heart,

I knew it was hurt and broken and I had no way of fixing it.

I tried so hard to not love you.

But it was just too hard,

And I couldn't say anything to you from fear and rejection,

It felt like I was dying and I believed it,

And I hoped that you love like I loved you,

But I knew that I could never compare to your wife to be.

Days and months passed and I still refuse to speak with you or our friends,

Hiding and ignoring all ways of contact,

Until one of our friends had enough and found me,

She wanted to see me, her little sister.

She wanted me to tell her what was wrong,

She knew I was in pain,

And she wanted to be someone I could rely on,

I was like her little sister and I finally spoke,

More like cried in her arms.

I finally told someone everything my heavy heart carried,

And she listen to every word until I was done,

She scolded me for not telling her earlier,

But she helped me more than I could ever help myself

And I could never find how to thank her without crying that day,

She helped me a lot and she was my savior,

Making me stronger and helping me forget you,

And it work but I still refuse to see you,

I didn't want to remember and I was glad,

But you still kept on trying to find me,

I didn't go to our regular places for a long time,

And you began to worry,

Because no one would tell you where I was or how I was,

Mostly because not many knew where I was or what I was doing,

Unless I would talk to them and tell them,

And asked them not to talk much about me to you.

And over that time of hiding from you,

You found out your wife to be wasn’t that faithful,

And you called off your engagement,

You were broken hearted and had no one to hear you,

Mostly because the one who would hear you was gone,

I was busy living my life without thinking or loving you.

But yet you found a way to find me,

I didn't want to see you but there you were,

In front of me, not letting me go,

Your eyes were so hurt and I made it worse trying to leave,

You pulled me closer to you and begged me not to go,

My heart ached to those words,

Not from seeing you in pain but because those were the words I said before,

And I broke in anger towards you in your arms,

Trying to break free from your grip I yelled and screamed at you,

I screamed out all the pain you gave me with my eyes covered in my bitter tears,

When you let me free from your grasp I sat on the floor in tears as you watched me,

For the first time you saw my pain,

You saw my broken heart that day,

Instead of helping you helping you heal your broken heart,

You listen to mine,

And apologize for all the pain you gave me all those years,

You apologized to me that whole day in tears,

Two broken hearts cried that day.

One asking for forgiveness for their mistake,

And one who finally broke their silence.

Those bitter tears finally become painfully sweet,

Years if heartache finally gone,

Years of lies finally coming to an end.

And a promise to make it better.

A promise to start out new,

Not as friends but as lovers.

Wings and The Moon

I look up at the night sky,
My wings are as bright as the moon light,
Though now they are the color of the night sky,
Once they where a white as the full moon,
Shining whenever I would soar,
But now they cover the night sky..
My pain and agony,
Not to mention my sins,
They have tainted my wings,
And have broken my wings,

 Big and bright…
Light to the touch,
Graceful and silent in the sky,
Loved by many who seen them,
And now shocks them to see the change,
The change in my wings.
To others they were their hope and dreams,
Now they just seem like a long forgotten dream,
They will never go back to the color they once were,

 I am not a pure angel anymore,
For I have sinned..
Like my mother and father before me,
This wings were my life and a curse,
They would tell the world I was alright,
That no matter how much pain and agony came my way,
I would never let it take me into it’s darkness,
But now,
those words are just empty and fake...

 My wings,
My wings…
They have been ripped from me before,
Torn, broken, and sent to the moon,
The moon who is my companion of the night,
The moon who saved my wings,
Who rescued me from the darkness,
Who protected me and my wings.
Though it could not repair the damage I took
For the toll was too much for me,
Tainting them…
Slowly and painfully.
I watched my wings transform,
Into the wings of the fallen and forsaken
No one could help me,
No one could return what I loved.
The color of the white moon that my wings proudly wore.

 Now showing how far I would always be from the moon,
The moon that save, cared, and protected me,
From the darkness that took my wings,
Forever being the moon companion,
The night.
Lonesome and dark,
Far away from the comforting light that’s so near yet far.

 Now, these wings…
Filled with pain and agony,
Showing the world that I am not alright,
That I’m a fighter,
A lost soul who refuses to give up,
For the moon will wait for me,
And I will fight to restore what has been damaged inside myself,
Hoping one day my wings will shine bright like the moon,
For the moon is my companion,
And I will proudly become it’s night. 

Why?

Why? 
Why are you in my mind?
I left you for a happier life,
But why do you still haunt me,
Why do you appear in my head?
When I am down and don’t want you,
Why?
Do you not know how much pain I am in?
You where the root of it.
Used me, 
Abused me,
Mistreat me,
Lied and so much more.
I don’t want anything to do with you but you appear.
Why can’t you disappear!
I want to be happy and want to soar the blue sky,
But you keep me down and we aren't even together.
I didn’t want to be your damn toy!
I didn’t want to be pushed around by you and your sister!
God I hated it!
Yet I loved you at that time,
But I was glad to not fall for you.
Your love was just an illusion just like you were,
A two face coward and crybaby,
You didn’t even love me and I was glad.
I was glad I left you,
Especially on the most happiest time of the year,
My wings are stronger now,
After you ripped them from me.
Now all I can say to you is,
 “Fuck you. Leave me alone.”
I’m not a damn fool anymore,
After all your love was fake towards me
And my love wasn't even real with you.
I’m glad that I left you, 
A poisonous spider
All I needed was to stomp you down before you could bite me.
Be glad I was nice when I left you. 
Now just let me dream!
You're nothing but a wasted nightmare in my mind.

I'm Such a Child

I’m such a child…

I act like I could care less about love,

But all I want is to be loved.

I’m scared to say what I want.

I reject affections I get by others,

Acting cold...

Or just squirming like a child seeing their parents kiss in front of them,

I want affection…

My lover can’t give me much.

Two star cross lovers,

One who lives in the night,

And the other who lives during the day,

I’m referred as a caring soul.

But yet I can’t even love myself.

Getting any amount of affection is too much,

For I don’t know if what I do is right or not,

I don’t want fake love,

I want real love,

I want to be loved,

I want affection,

I want to be cared for,

Not for my flaws or my crys,

Please don’t give in to the childish me…

It won’t help me,

It only makes me see how much of a child I am,

When it to getting the affection and love I want.

Please don’t ignore me nor neglect me,

It makes me scared and hurt,

It makes me lose trust in others and myself,

This is just one of my childish cries,

This cry is true and honest…

For this child just wants to be loved and cared for

When others couldn't give or offer it to me.

I have an English literature teacher, she teachers us about the historical lierature side of the UK. She's an older lady, her age is a secret because it rude ask a lady her age. We'll she teaches in her own way and opinion, refuses to let others have a say in their words and talks more about her life around the world that she has thought. I'm one of her students and we'll, to her I'm invisible.

She knows my seat but not my face, she has makerd me absent for being kicked out of my seat by another student; I was mad at that for she saw me sitting in the front and had a small chat with her before class. The student that took my seat, I didn't yell at him because he must wanted to sit in closer to the screen while still in the back and I sit in the perfect spot. 

One thing my teacher has done recently was embarrassed me in front of the class, yelling at me for "jumping into a group last minute" until the 'group' or should I say my group and half of the class told her I was in it, but they just forgot to place my name in it when I was out sick the day they made it. It was an embarrassing thing she had done and treated me coldly still believing her opinion until they defended me twice. 

My teacher has her strong opinion and even argued with me when I picked the authors ideas and options on how a poor and in advance the schools teaching are.  I can say I dislike my teacher and my friends tell me it not bad, just go with it. But I dislike being in a class that the teacher ignores me, disagrees and even fights with me. I do not enjoy my senior year at all. My depression gets worse with all the negative interactions I have with her and others.

Today I woke up late in the afternoon, mostly because my depression was to much for me and I get insulted by my father from outside my room. I can hear him talk bad about me to my mother and when I walked out I got other things said to my face. I just sighed and walked to my brother. I wasted two hours with him playing on his Nintendo 64 (he recently bought in a yard sale). That made my day better until I kept losing in Mario Cart.
I spent the rest on my day just being on my computer, I'm making more characters for who knows what. I might make a comic or not. I'm thinking hard in making a visual Novel still. I really want to make it but don't know how.

So far, I'm just have a nagging feeling about how I draw for a comment my friend made about my art, that I 'make the heads to big for their body' I'm a little upset hearing that repeat in my head every time I draw a character. But I just need practice

lazyness and new drawings

Oh my, I keep forgetting to get on here and talk about my life and whatnot, I get to lazy to write here and mostly I have gotten slight writers block. But I'm glad I can still draw at the moment and I'm so happy about it, I've been doing lot of fan art for my favorite band at the moment. 

hehehe though I only drew two I want to draw more. Just look at them

I feel like I should also upload my art here...

Betrayal

I love you and you know that, 

You want to be my other half, 

I gladly want you to be it, 

You tell me that you only love me, 

That you fell for me, 

You don’t ever want to hurt me, 

But why? 

Why did you betray those words? 

Is our love nothing? 

Was I not enough for you? 

Why did you have to give my love to her? 

Those days I wondered where you were when I was crying, 

Were you with her betraying my love and trust? 

For how long did you go behind me back? 

No. I don’t want to know, 

It will only break and hurt me more. 

  

You ask me if I’m mad, If I want to leave you, 

I said no. 

I said no because I’m a fool and I love you, 

Because I’ve committed that betray before, 

But not to you but to a past lover. 

I know no one’s perfect, 

Yet why does it hurt so much… 

  

I’m not mad nor am I angry, 

I’m disappointed, I’m upset, 

But you know me I’ll just say ‘It’s fine’ 

‘It’s fine...’ 

I’m a strong girl right? 

I’m not that weak to cry in front of you and tell you how I feel, 

Just my awkward silence will tell you. 

That you did me wrong 

  

This betrayal wasn't your first, 

And this might not be your last, 

I just hope I’m not there if you do it again. 

I love you true but if I must get hurt by you, 

I don’t want any part of it, 

Because if I stay I don’t know if I can take it.

It's my problem

I get treated like shit in my house,

Sometimes I deserve it sometimes I don't,

I struggle to keep pretending that I'm fine,

I force myself not to cry,

I have a father who doesn't love me like he does my brothers,

I have a mother who is anxious all the time,

I have two brothers...

One mentally disabled and the other acts like an asshole,

I am the oldest, I am mentally disturbed, broken, and a mess.

I try to act like I'm fine.

Faking my pain in front of others,
Lying that I'm okay,

I rarely ask for help,
I don't think I deserve it.

I don't think I need it, 

It's my fault I cause this much pain to myself,

Right?

But if I'm right why do other say it is not?

Then who is it?

I know I cause problems,
I know other cause me problems,

But who is it?

Is it both of our problems?

That might be easier to believe...

We'll for me that is,

I should go to bed and sleep...

But I hope I don't cry myself to sleep,

After all all this pain that I feel it was caused by me,

I made my family treat me like this,

And I deserve this pain.