Another Late Night Writing

I hear noises and voices, 

I can say it's all in my head and the wind but I know better.

The things I hear must always be a thought of a cautious thing,

You don't know what can be real or not. 

Hearing voices while listening to music,

Telling you to get up and things,
But all I can do is pretend to be asleep,

Until the voices disappear from my bedroom that has given me comfort,
When no one else has.

Yes no one else, 

It's hard to make other's understand,

They'll think I'm mad or insane,

But I know better...

Promises

You want me to be your wife,
And I gladly agree,
I want nothing but a future with you,
You want me to smile from my heart,
And I would love nothing more to do so,
I would do it for you,
You are the reason I find to smile,
You promise to always love me,
And I would like nothing better,
You ask me to never cry again,
I answer with a yes, with tears falling down my cheeks
You promise me to never hurt me,
And I look at you a little weary,
For those words have fooled me before,
And I do not wish to make that mistake again,
You ask me to bare you a child,
But I cannot I am not fit to be a mother,
Nor can I bare you a child from my body,
This body faces the same fate as Lilith,
To live with the heartache of never having a child of my own,
To live my life feeling worthless of never filling promise,
A promise of sealed with love and hope,
Yet how can this child cursed by Lilith’s pain bring life to this world?
Where there is so much pain and sadness,
And this cursed child who lives in nothing but agony,
My tainted body, cursed to never harvest a life,
To never love a child of my own,
I fear every day and night...
That I can never give you all the love that I promised.

Late Night Confession to My Sleeping Lover

I wonder why my heart aches every time I'm alone when you are gone?
You may be gone for days and weeks,
And I just sit here and wait for your return,
Yet, I don't mind being alone...
I've lived my life alone...but time I can't help but cry
I don't know where you are,
Or what you are doing,
All I can do is thrust you,
And hope that you won't break my heart.
I may spend days away from you,
Mostly because I'm scared.
I'm scared that you'll see me at my weakest point,
Drowning in my tears,
Crying out,
Holding myself for comfort...
Crying out, begging for affection,
Wanting to smile without force,
From the pain of being alone without you
I fear the worst, yet I know the truth,
That you love me and that I can't be without you,
I may act like I could care less,
But I do, I'm just too shy and scared express them to you.
You tell me stories of your past,
Of all the old flames you had.
And I get scared and even jealous at times
I feel that I can never be like them,
But I know I can never break your heart,
I've spent years being your friend,
While I hid my love for you...a puppy's love or a crush
I knew that from the day I met you,
You'll be one that can protect me,
With the love I always wanted and needed.

Long Distant Relationships

Being in a long distant relationship is really hard, especially if you are a person with trust issues and paranoia, it worse when you don't if both of you are loyal or not because you can't really be there next to them, or hold each others embrace.  

But all you can do is have faith that they stick to their word and talk. Just talk to them, it doesn't have to be every hour of the day; it can be just once a day. You need to just keep talking and having fun with them because the moment the two of you stop talking it might get a little messy and another thing is never get into pointless arguments, just let it slide. stupid fights are worthless and can damage a beautiful relationship, I should know I've been in a few of those in my past and it didn't end well.

Have you ever gotten the feeling when your nervous, anxious, and a little aroused? Well I have and I'm just confused also and excited, I've haven't talked to my online friends in a long ass time. and I'm happy, too happy I want to throw up.

This tells me a lot because if you are depress or alone and you want to talk to someone, just know you always have someone to make you feel better.

Oh yeah, today when I was walking home I found a lighter, it works.
I set a flower on fire (RIP Flower) and now the lighter is in my bra. My mother can't find out about it or she'll kill me. e3e
But it's just a lighter, I'm not doing anything illegal just want to set fire to all my old school assignments and have a beautiful camp fire with my friends.

Introduction 2.0

Well I feel like I should explain myself better like tell you who I am, in one of the ways I can, so... Here I go.

Hi I'm Ezumii, I like to be called that because I really hate my name, I pretty much have trouble trying to love myself like body wise. I hate how I look at times, I only like my eyes and they look awesome. I call myself an ugly potato. I'm finishing my last year in high school, I am a big sister to my younger friends and the baby sister around my older friends, I have gone out of my comfort zone and I have met all of my older online friends. I am dating my closest friend; opened up more especially to him.

I'm a Pansexual, which means I love everyone regardless of gender and appearance, it doesn't mean I can be a whore, I'm loyal to my lovers, I'm just allowed to flirt if they do it too. I try to make others happy that I forget to take care of myself.

When I eight I was diagnose with clinical depression by my doctor when my grandmother was worried about me. I was a few of those cases of children with depression, and I tried to live with it But my parents didn't believe me until I was older; in my sophomore year to be exact and told my new doctor that I was depress. I'm also suicidal and emotionally stress. I grew up abuse and I still am, my father is the cause of it which will explain why I talk bad about him. I might later in time or you can fine look at the little hints I leave later on.

I tend to miss one day of school each week because I get too stress, I might also leave early too but I tend not do it during the weeks that have days off or if holiday breaks are coming up. I don’t sleep like regular people, mostly because I can’t sleep I can take naps but when it comes to going to actual sleep I can’t unless it really late. I wake up every day anxious, nauseous, and scared.

I get scared easily but I learn to get over them, except toasters. When the toast pops out I still get scared out of my mind.


I love chocolate, like a lot if you want me to do something just use chocolate as a way to get me to do it. I’m still a dork/nerd. I like to write, I can write for hours if I’m in the mood but I love to draw more than anything else. I’m trying to make a comic at the moment but I’m really lazy to do it and I don’t know how to make the comic panels. I still write stories more like fan fictions and well I’m also lazy in updating them. I love watching Japanese cartoons and Korean dramas, I pretty much have no life. 

Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought would last? We'll everyone has. I know I have, I thought I was going to have a perfect future but it was just a dream; more like fantasy. In reality I didn't love being with my boyfriend (who is now my ex) I wasn't enjoying it after a few months as our one year anniversary was getting close.  I was rethinking everything that has happen to us in that whole year and well...Wasn't all happy and wonderful like I made it seem. I was being controlled by him, he wouldn't let me spend time with my friends; he really disliked them because they let me express my sexuality (I'm pan, but that's a different story in another time).

Every time I won him in games, acted like myself, wanted to be affectionate in public, or if he was in little arguments he would just abuse me. Yeah he would physically and at times emotionally abuse me when we were alone, and after some time he let his middle sister abuse me, he would bite, pinch, punch me when she wanted and I couldn't defend myself from that; I only enjoyed to be with his youngest sister who pretty much liked to play princess, dress up, and draw stuff with me. I would at times be with his mother for she was really supportive of me and kind, she helped me when I was at hurting myself. You could say I just wanted to be with his mother but no, I actually loved him, like deeply but he would ignore me for days and play his games and when I would give up and go to enjoy my hobbies and the free time I had he would just complain that I didn't love him. That I was taking or relationship serious, Me! I tried to get him to do things with me but he would always blow me off, for Call of Duty and other shooter games. I could have joined him but he would insult me for being bad at games I'm not interested in, I don't like war shooting games, it's not my thing. I enjoy games like Metal Gear, Naruto, Uncharged, and other games. He kept treating me like crap for wanting to have an alone time, he accused me of cheating. He crossed the line one day.

Everyone has been in that relationship where you lose your v-card (virginity) and well her was the one that took it but not how I wanted it. I didn't want to have sex at all that that moment, I wasn't in the mood or ready to do that but he was and didn't really care if I wanted to or not; and I fought with him, I refused to let him get his way but he was stronger than me and I couldn't do that much just refuse him until the end. After that day I just didn't want to do anything with him, at all. Weeks passed and he would try to set dates and I would have to cancel and tell him that I had plans or something like that. This lasted all the way up until Christmas, when I broke it off, I got sick of the abuse and neglect from him. I didn't care that it was Christmas I just wanted to enjoy the rest of the year being happy. But that didn't really happen because he ignored the fact that I ended it with him so he made me break up with him on New Year’s. 

Yeah you read that right I broke up with him again on New Year’s, his family saw me do it over a Skype chat while my parents where off drinking with their friends. I know it was a dick move but he refuse to accept that I wanted a better life, even if it meant being single and happy without him.

The funny thing is that a few weeks later I remembered that I told that if we broke up I wouldn't mind dating someone of my the same sex as me, and well I did and I texted him saying. "I didn't think I would be actually be dating an awesome girl after our break up.' He was surprised. Most people would, I didn't even tell my parents about my new relationship, though I wasn't afraid of being affectionate with her in public. 

But after sometime that ended and now I'm dating my best friend of eight years, and my first boyfriend, you can say he was my first and my last. What I learn from all this is that is your not in the perfect relationship you do't have to stay in it, just break it off if you want to; what's better a happy life or being in a relationship your not really happy in or enjoying it.

I should acctually post something about relationship advice one day...if I get asked.

hiding out

(I'm a cat today x3) Anyways~
Today I decided to stay at home because of violent cramps. I woke everyone up that needed to go to school before I went back to sleep, but forgot to tell my parents =w='' that was my bad. My youngest brother went to school a little late and my mother told me to hide from my father, he didn't know I was stayed home and was in a real terrifying mood like, I was so close to running away but I didn't.
Mostly because I fell asleep on the top bunk~ :3c  which saved my butt

Motherly feeling

Have you ever gotten attached to a fictional character before? like not crush more like this is my child, my sweet little angel? Well today I have got one. out of all the characters I could have a strong motherly attachment, it has to be Ciel like why?! What did I do?!
It's kinda weird because I mostly draw stuff like this. (below)

it's ugly huh

well I'mma head off for the night, I was trying to get on earlier and post stuff but I got distracted. oh well~

January, 19th

Today's been an off day for me, well everyday is an off day for me. I woke up just hating myself not so much that I'll just stay in bed but I just really disliked looking at myself when I passed a mirror, I just wanted to run away; though I my day got a little better later on in the day, one of my friends texted me after a week of silence (that I caused) I had fun talking to him/her, I don't know what gender they are okay with me calling them, I'll just say she for now.
She asked is she could call me and that freaked me out, I don't like talking to people when sick especially when I'm waiting for mother nature to surprise attack me. *cough*
I'm still dealing with family drama....my friend might of just found a place and might leave my house, which sucks. I wish I was a social person so I could talk more.

Update:
My father became a major asshole, froze my computer while I was trying to post this. I cussed him out and warned my mother if I harm myself.
I've already dealt with his fucking emotional abuse for two months and I had to take it  all in and my mother, I have no support at home it not a safe place to be here. I can't even enjoy this year.

Ello~

Yo.

xD Well that was a beautiful hello, well anyways~, I made this because I was bored and wanted another place to put my art. Also to talk about my life but shhh.

I'm to lazy to introduce myself I already deal with that in school and plainly it to boring. Anyways, I'll post more later on don't know what it might be but I'll surprise you.

love,

Ezumii

P.S. 

Aren't I a cute little creature