Tonight

I just cried in my bed tonight,
Mostly because I wrote something to my friend that they will never see.
Until after my wedding day.
Until I know I am far away from them and they won't see me cry,
And before I could change my mind.
Because by then they'll be living a better life.
And they might be with someone new.

I don't want to be a stain from there past.
Even as I write this I am still crying.
I can't stop the tears from falling no matter how much tissues I use.

Because I wrote something with my heart in my letter to them.
Because I'm too stupid and scared to show them.
But not to strangers.
Because I'll let strangers read my heart before them.
I'll let them wait not knowing I wrote them something to personal and dear to me.
I am a coward.
I am the worst.
Because I'll rather wait until I'm married and starting my own life,
Then to let them know before I put them in so much shock and pain.
Before I commit to a life of marriage.

As I continue typing, I slowly begin to stop crying,
I wish that everything I wrote was because I was sick.
That my fever let my heart speak,
Letting it honestly speak about something I hid and blocked away.
Now I only wish is to sleep tonight without tears.
It doesn't look pretty at all more because I am sick.