A sad apology

Good night my sweet prince...

For I have hurt you just like my past lovers had to me.

I made a mistake and hurt you deeply,

I don't know if you'll see me again.

I think you will ever..

But I am truly sorry,

I want to make things right,

I want to be forgiven for my sins.

But I know I will never get that.

You're to hurt to do that.

And I know....I know.

I'm sorry, but I still love you.

You're my light, and will stay that way.

I'll just remain in my darkness,

Remembering my sins...

Until I can forgive myself.

Just another one...

Time has come to rest and I take a deep breath,

It's a restless night once again.

My heart can't stop crying and neither can I.

I look at my clock, its 4:30 am

I'm shrug and groaned a little as I sit up in my bed.

Motionless and tired I look at the floor,

Before I stand up and take the bottle on my drawer with my glass of water.

I open the bottle and take one out, placing it in my palm.

Running my finger on it before I decide to swallow it out.

With a single tear I take a deep breath and cry silently.

I watch the clock as time passes, but it doesn't help.

I can't close my eyes.

One wasn't enough...

So I take another.

One was to help me sleep,

Two were to help it go faster,

Three to make it last,

Four to make me dream a little longer,

Five to make me wonder my dreams in tears,

Six where to make me forget the pain.

Seven where to make time pass for a long while.

Eight were enough to help it end.

But nine, ten, and eleven where to make sure I would never come back...

To never make that pain come again,

To try and let you go.

To give a reason to move on...

So I can restart...

So you can move one,

So I could disappear...

Last Dance

Dancing in this ballroom filled with people in masquerade, 
My crimson dress glides with ease in this silent dance,
My partner is tall and mysterious as he takes control.
My body is wrapped in my partner’s arms as he takes me into this dance.

Just like a puppet on its strings,
My steps have no control, 
My actions aren’t mine in this dance,

I am weak with each step,
Yet I do nothing to stop this feeling.
The song will soon come to an end but will this also be mine?
He whispers against my ear, 
He asks me to be his…
To take his hand and leave.

Those sweet words he speaks against me,
I can feel myself get lost deeper in him.
My mind is going blank as I feel him spin me.
I grip is becoming faint, but he holds me tight. 

He leans in, closing the gap between us,
His lips are so close to mine as I cold shiver runs down my back.
I push away and try to flee but he holds my hand,
Pulling me back into his embrace, 

His firm grip makes me feel weak as the song begin to slow down,
It’s almost time and I fear it so. 
My crimson dress starts to slowly fade to a pale white,

My legs begin to give in as I just stay and dance with him once more, 
The melody is now ending as he lean in again,
This time I don’t stop him.

My dress has completely faded white,
My eyes grow heavy as I can feel my breath come to a slow stop,
While my body goes limp in his arms before I faintly look at his as he removes his mask.
The ghoulish masquerade reveals the face of a dead man.
No, he’s more of of a guardian and protector of the dead.
And I am one of the few he had come to take.

Now the music has come to an end and I lay in his arms.
In my white dress that will now suit as my farewell dress to the others.
He carries me in his hands as everyone moves away silent as they always been,
But now they bow as he walks with me down the pathway and walk out the large doors.

Help Me

Help me see,
Help me sing,
I am lost and I am confused.
I have no one left to save me,

They all have left…
I am all alone.
I am scared,
Please I beg,

Help this pain go away,
I don't want to sing this sad tune,
I don't want to be in this darkness,

It hurts, it hurts
Everything I say is silent,
Everything I do is painful
I am numbed each day after.

I get used and abused,
For what?
Well to just get rid of this pain.
But it doesn’t help.

I feel sick to the core,
I want to scream and shout!
I want to scratch my skin until I feel clean.

But I know that won’t happen…
This feeling won’t go away.
I’m stuck like this…

My only way out may mean goodbye…
But what would it solve?
It will only go to a new host.

I want someone to help me…
Please someone help me.
I’m alone.
I’m so scared...

It Won't Solve Anything...Yet Why..?

Crying won't solve anything,
Drinking won't calm tour sorrows,
Neglecting yourself won't make it all better,
Hurting won't stop the pain..

But yet why does it help?
Why does all this much pain and sadness help?
All these tears, cuts, scratches, and messy body make me feel better?

I'm already a broken mess...
But why when I'm at my end I can always be calmed down,
Just for a while but not for long
Before I repeat this cycle everyday and night

You don't care what I do,
You never did.
But I cared for you...
Yet you pushed me away when you saw my flaws and mistakes.

But its fine.
I wasn't perfect nor will I ever be.
But info know one thing...
Your not perfect,
You will never be perfect.

But to me you where what I wanted.
I didn't feel alone,
But in the end I was alone.

My tears blur my eyes as I cry alone,
I don't want anyone to see me.
As this mess I am
While I have to take all this pills.
Just so I can try and smile
To you and to anyone
And lie that I'm fine.

Because all the cuts,
All the bruises,
The scars,
And these tears

Will let me go one just for another day.

My body has become tired.

Each breath becomes harder

It hurts to breath and smile

My cries have become quiet

My tears leave marks and scars on my cheeks

As my lip become red with my own crimson ink

Everything is becoming faint as I go deeper into the darkness

And no one is here to save me

But do I even want to be saved?

From this hell of mine?

No one would want to save me

So much for the happy ending I'll get.

I can't fake a smile anymore

My mask has been broken for too long

I can hide all the marks, dents, and scratches or these tears.

Just let me close my eyes as my breathing starts to come in a hault,

After all this is my tragic ending.

Sorry I haven't been on. I've been dealing with some things like my depression and I just got out of a serious relationship... And I'm not over it yet...
At least I can write more things to.distract me from it.

Well, its 3:05 am right now and I can't fall asleep yet because of the heat and my headache. I also couldn't sleep because I remembered I haven't posted on here for a few days.
And well...I got sick again! I really hate how bad my immune system is. I am also trying slowly to do better for I might ended up going into surgery if my doctor says its okay for me to start the treatment to prepare me for surgery. Well i think I should say goodnight everyone and I'll post one of my poems soon once I finish it.
Goodnight everyone

I open up a Society6 go look at my art and buy some stuff o3o if I have enough I can sell and make more art.

How should I?

How should I smile?
How should I tell you?
That I’m just tired of everything.
I’m tired being sad.
I’m tired of letting my demons control me.
I pushed everyone away,
Every last one.
Even though I want all of them near me.
I want to tell everyone I’m okay,
I want to tell myself that I’m fine, 
But I’m not! 
I never am.
And I don’t think I’ll ever will…

 So how should I tell you that I’m not fine?
How should I show you all my scars?
How should I show anyone?
That I’m crying at night,
Mixing my sweet bitter tears with my crimson blood,
Throwing my things, pulling my hair and making my skin.
How should I even tell you or show you?
When I am scared to even say anything,
or even look at you, or anyone to be in fact..

 I’m writing this poem to you and to everyone,
Who loves and cares for me,
I want to apologize,
I want to you all to forgive me…
forgive me for all the pain I hid from you,
For all the lies I’ve said.

I just hope these words are stronger than my silent voice...